


People Move On

by GinnyK



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Episode Tag, Episode: s06e10 Faith Based Initiative, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-05-31 04:24:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15111740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GinnyK/pseuds/GinnyK
Summary: Post ep toFaith Based Initiatives.





	People Move On

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

As Josh tried his best to hold things together emotionally, one simple gesture was his undoing. Josh had leaned over to shake the hand of Jed Bartlet as the older man sat in the wing backed chair, unable to rise from it by himself. As Jed grasped Josh's hand with as much strength as he could muster he pulled Josh down towards him. And in very much the same way as years earlier in a hospital trauma room with Leo, Jed Bartlet kissed the cheek of his Deputy Chief of Staff. The gesture both startled and touched Josh in a way he hadn't expected and by the time he had recovered enough to stand up straight, tears were flowing down his cheeks. Not wanting to cause the younger man any further embarrassment, Jed just put on his glasses and picked up a random file to read as Josh turned to quickly exit the room. 

By walking quickly and with his head down, as if he were a man on a mission, Josh managed to make it to his office without being stopped by anyone in the halls of the West Wing. Thankfully, he'd sent Marla home before going over the Oval Office as she was the last person he really wanted to see. He made a conscious effort not to look over towards her desk as he walked through the bullpen; he was crying hard enough as it was. The absence of Donna and her belongings would have sent him spiraling into a place he has no time to wallow in at the moment. There are too many things that need to be done. 

He closed the door quietly behind him, relaxing ever so slightly in the solitude and safety of his office. He shrugged out of his suit jacket, tossing it in the general direction of the nearest chair. Running his fingers through his short hair caused it to stand up on end, a look Donna had frequently teased him about, saying it looked like he'd done his hair with a lawnmower. As he dropped his hands down again he noticed just how badly they were shaking. Holding them out in front of his body he watched as they seemed to move of their own accord. Stuffing his hands in his pockets he spent a few minutes pacing back and forth in front of the desk. On one pass he glanced over to the bookcase and a photo caught his eye. Josh picked it up and looked at it in the dim light. It was one of himself, Sam and Donna taken the night of the Yo-Yo Ma concert. All dressed up and smiling for the camera it was hard to believe that mere hours after that photo was taken, he had found himself in one of the darkest and most frightening places of his life. As the tears continued to fall, some landing on the picture in his hands, Josh felt his whole body start to shake. He moved to stand against the wall in the hopes that his old trick would work. It did for a few minutes but rather than cross the room to actually sit in a chair, he just let himself slide down the wall until he was sitting on the floor. He kicked off his shoes and rolled up the sleeves of his dress shirt. 

Josh really had no idea how long he'd been sitting on the floor. A soft knock on the door brought him back to the present. "Come in," he called softly, not bothering to get up. He watched as the door opened and in stepped a pair of black boots. He looked up, way up to glance at the face of CJ. Unconsciously he'd curled up further against the wall as he'd basically gone over her head and resigned to the President instead of her. But he knew she wasn't stupid, or clueless, she knew what was going on. Instead of the wrath of CJ he thought he was going to have to endure, he got something completely different. Ignoring the fact she was wearing a skirt and boots, CJ knelt down on the floor in front of Josh. 

"You ok?" she asked quietly as she took in his teary face, his bloodshot eyes and the sheer fact that he was shaking like a leaf. Josh just shrugged his shoulders as CJ moved to sit next to him. She put her arm around his shoulders and pulled him close. Tentatively Josh started to relax and let CJ show the maternal side she kept well hidden. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked a few minutes later after realizing Josh hadn't said a word since he'd told her to come in. When she didn't get an answer she reached for the picture Josh was still clutching in his hands. "Nice picture. When was it taken?" 

"The night of the Yo-Yo Ma concert," Josh said with almost a bitter tone in his voice. 

"Ah," muttered CJ as she reached over her shoulder to put the picture on the shelf. 

"So I gather you're not in the mood to start a conversation so I guess I'll have to do it," she said, teasing lightly. Josh chuckled a little as he took a few tissues from the box CJ was holding out to him. "Why the tears?" she asked. 

"Couldn't start with an easier question?" Josh snorted as he pulled his legs up and wrapped his arms around his shins. 

"OK," CJ said with a laugh. "How about, how did the President take your resignation?" 

"That wasn't an easier one," Josh pointed out. He took a deep breath and decided to answer anyway. "He took it...he took it well, I guess. I don't think he was shocked. He knows that finding the "real thing" is what I'm supposed to do. I did it before and found him. Now it's time to move on and do it again. There's little holding me here." 

"Something we'll be talking about it a few minutes," CJ warned him with a grin. Josh just nodded, knowing there was no way CJ was going to leave his office without talking about what had happened with Donna. "Go on," CJ urged gently. 

"I knew it would be hard to go in there and resign but stepping into that room and seeing him in the chair looking so...so small and just unwell, I was surprised I held it together as long as I did. It was like walking into my father's office and knowing I was about to disappoint him," Josh said quietly as he dropped his head down on his knees. CJ rubbed his back for a minute as he got his thoughts together enough to continue. "He said for me to be happy and to make sure I didn't sacrifice the things that are important to me for the sake of a job." 

"Did he happen to mention those "things" by name?" CJ asked as she patted his hand. 

"No, but I guess I've been pretty easy to read these past few days," Josh admitted. 

"How about these past few years," CJ corrected him as he sat back up. 

"Whatever. I'll have my things out of here in the morning," Josh muttered as he waved his hand around the room. He was silent for a few minutes trying to untangle the thoughts and feelings racing around inside of him. 

"Josh, talk to me," CJ urged as she put her hand on his arm to prevent him from trying to stand up. 

"What's there to say? Donna left, end of story," he snorted as he tossed his tissues into the wastebasket. 

"Josh, it wasn't that simple. She didn't just up and leave you," CJ pointed out, uncertain of how much of her knowledge of the situation she should reveal. She'd spent many hours talking with Donna in the months after the explosion in Gaza. She knew how Donna had been thrilled beyond belief that Josh had flown halfway round the world to be at her bedside. CJ also knew how things between Josh and Donna had grown strained when Donna returned to Washington and the attentive, sweet Joshua Lyman had slowly disappeared, only to be replaced by a strangely indifferent man who was quick to be sarcastic and jump to conclusions which simply weren't true. While some could say that was Josh's "default position" those who were close to him knew differently. "Josh," CJ said, quietly urging him to talk about what was going on. 

"Toby says I have to resort to manhood to straighten this out," Josh said. 

"Meaning what? Going to New Hampshire and dragging Donna back by the hair as you drag your club behind you?" CJ teased. 

Josh just snorted as he dropped his head into his hands rubbing at his sore, red eyes. "I screwed up. I was an ass. She tried to talk to me for a week. And I blew her off because I knew I wasn't going to like the conversation." 

"That's right," CJ said. 

"She talked to you?" Josh asked, a little surprised. He didn't know they'd gotten completely past their conversation during the lockdown the previous spring. 

"We've talked a lot over the past few months," CJ said. 

"Tell me what she said," Josh muttered quickly. 

"Nope. If you want to talk to her then I suggest you call her." 

"I can't," Josh whined. 

"Why not?" CJ pushed, her growing frustration coming through in her tone. 

"Because....because if I hear her voice I'm going to lose it," Josh admitted. CJ turned a little so she was facing him. What she saw in his face worried her more than she thought it would. He didn't just look exhausted and teary. He looked lost and frightened but what scared CJ most was the distant look in his eyes. 

"Josh, I'm going to ask you something. I know it's not really my business but I'm going to ask anyway," CJ said, choosing her words carefully. 

Josh cut her off with a wave of his hand. "If you're going to ask about my mental state, I'll save you the trouble. I talked to Stanley Keyworth this morning. I think Leo must have called him." 

"It wasn't Leo," CJ said with a slightly guilty look on her face. 

"Oh," was all Josh muttered. "Thank you," he eventually whispered. CJ just nodded. 

"So, if you won't call Donna then I suggest you get your butt in your chair and start typing an email. A long, kick-ass email. Tell her everything, apologize, and grovel whatever it is you need to say to get things out in the open. Because let's face it, you're bound to run into her soon, working for opposing candidates and all." 

"Thanks for reminding me there, Claudia Jean," Josh teased as he slowly got to his feet. 

"Always glad to help," CJ replied as she took the hand he offered her to help her up. She held his hand even after she was on her feet. She pulled Josh into a hug that lasted long enough for both of them to become rather teary. When they broke apart Josh reached for the tissues again, grabbing enough for both of them. 

"Do you think I'm abandoning you or I guess more specifically abandoning the administration?" Josh asked as he leaned against the front of the desk. 

"What did the President say?" CJ asked, hoping to deflect the question. 

"No," Josh said shaking his head. "I asked how you felt." 

CJ drew a deep breath as she leaned against the back of one of Josh's visitor's chairs. "That was my first thought, that you were leaving because things seem to be going downhill. But I know that's not true. I know it's time for you to find the next "real thing". And as much as I'm going to miss you, I know it's what you need to do. Like you said, there's not much keeping you here." Josh just nodded in agreement as he stood up to walk CJ to the door. With Josh in his socks and CJ wearing boots with 2 inch heels there was a 3 inch height difference and CJ took that opportunity to lean over and press a kiss to his forehead. It started his tears all over again. Josh turned quickly away from CJ and she left, quietly closing the door behind her. 

Josh paced around the room for a while. Every few minutes he glanced at his computer, knowing he should sit down and type before everything he wanted to say was lost among the hundreds of things fighting for space in his brain. He went and made himself a cup of green tea using the tea bags Donna had stashed in his bottom desk drawer. The familiar scent of lemon and ginseng tea, Donna's favorite, was almost too much for him to bear. He downed a few Advil and turned the computer on. He was about to enter her White House email address when he realized it was no longer valid. With a sigh he logged onto AOL so he could send the message from his personal account that only a few people used. Holding his breath he opened his inbox, hoping to see a message from her. But as had been the case since she had walked away from him, there was nothing from her. That's not to say there weren't any messages, there were plenty from his Mom and Sam. All were various forms of the same thing, "I'm worried about you, call me". He checked the "keep as new" boxes and opened the send mail window. 

After 20 minutes of aborted attempts at an opening sentence, he finally decided on one. 

**************** 

Dear Donna, 

I realize that there is nothing I can do to make you change your mind and come back to the White House...to me. From the moment you left I have been reminding myself that it was the job you left and not me. And while I suppose that is theoretically true, the fact that you haven't made any effort to contact me makes me think maybe my assumption was wrong. And yes, I know, I've made no effort either. The simple fact is that I felt more hurt than I could have ever imagined and probably more than I had any right to feel. My first thought was that I was a victim in all this. I now realize that's not at all true. 

"People move on" is what Leo said to me when I told him you'd quit. And while that's true, I always had this picture in my mind that we would move on from the White House together. Maybe you had that image too. But I realize that image would hold you back. We didn't need to move on together with you as my assistant. You need to flourish and move ahead on your own and I realize you feel you were unable to do that, working for me. And I suppose that was probably true. I never meant to intentionally hold you back, please believe me. But we worked so well together, we were a team and I didn't want to think about that team breaking up. I realize that wasn't very fair of me. 

Looking back over my actions and my words during the last week you were here I am horrified to realize how I blew you off. Deep down I guess I knew what you wanted to talk about and I didn't want to hear it. For that I am truly sorry. I was immature, selfish and pissy, in general, I was an ass (you can stop nodding in agreement now). 

I've done a lot of thinking these past few nights, as sleep has been rather elusive and I keep forgetting to refill my Ambien prescription. I've come to realize that things have been changing between us for a while now. If I had to pinpoint when things started to shift my first inclination would be after the events in Gaza but if I'm being truly honest I would have to say they've been different for over a year now. Ever since the Carrick mess. Since then, you've flourished and I've floundered (Sam would be proud of my alliteration). After that mess my "sense of belonging" had shifted and I no longer felt as welcome, as needed, or as valuable around here. And yet I stayed anyway, probably because of you. I don't know if I should have told you that or if you already knew it, or if you didn't want to hear it in the first place. But there, I've said it, and I can't take it back. 

Anyway, as Leo said, people move on. You did and now it's my turn. I resigned about 2 hours ago. It may seem like a spur of the moment decision but in reality it's been coming for over a year now. For the past few weeks I've been looking for the next "real thing". And I think I've found him, Matt Santos. He agreed to run under the condition that I run his campaign. It's everything I've dreamed of for the past 20 years, the chance to "sit at the adult table", to run a national campaign. But if it's my dream then maybe you can explain to me why I've been crying for the past 2 hours. 

Maybe because part of my dream is missing. I will leave you to interpret that what ever way you wish. 

Going into the Oval Office tonight was one of the hardest things I'd ever done. And the thought of making that walk back to my office, knowing you weren't going to be there was almost as hard. CJ did come to check on me shortly after I resigned. We talked for a little while. I know you've been talking to her lately and rest assured she told me nothing about your conversations. She's impervious to the "puppy dog face". I explained how there was little holding me here. She knew what I meant without my having to actually say it. As did President Bartlet, by the way. 

Back to my theory on when/how things have changed between us. When I flew to Germany I didn't know if you were going to make it or not. That plane trip will remain as one of the darkest times of my life as I can imagine the 14 hours you spent in a hospital waiting room were some of the darkest of your life. I left in the middle of a national crisis because there was no place else I would have rather been than with you. To be honest, that thought actually terrified me. Again, interpret that in your own way. 

When you returned, wheelchair bound and well, needy, I felt good, as strange as that sounds. I felt needed. I felt like I had a sense of purpose. For a while our roles were reversed and I was the one taking care of you. And for the most part, you let me do it. But as you regained your sense of independence and could (excuse the pun) stand on your own two feet, things changed again. The closeness we had while you were recovering was replaced by awkwardness, pettiness and a general sense of uneasiness on both our parts. It was like some sort of line we'd put between us had been crossed when I got on that plane and headed for Germany. And by crossing that line we were in territory I don't feel either of us were ready to face. But we couldn't go back and stubbornness on both our parts kept us from moving forward, from facing our feelings and fears. (Again, I am making some pretty big assumptions about your feelings. If I'm completely off the mark I would appreciate it if you corrected me, soon). So were chose to be pissy with each other and immature and things got out of hand. We both got hurt, said things we didn't mean and acted in ways we knew were wrong. Although I will take more than my share of the blame, I won't take it all. 

I hope you've noticed I haven't mentioned the fact that you're working for the competition. But in all fairness you went to work for Bingo Bob before Santos decided to run. So maybe I'm working for the competition. But either way, we are bound to run into each other sooner or later and I hope things aren't nearly as awkward as I am imagining at this moment. 

So I guess that's enough rambling from me. Believe me when I say I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart for everything I have done, every mean thing I said and every action I took that hurt you. I never meant for things to end this way. I just hope it's not too late to salvage some of this wonderful thing we had...we have. If it's space you want or need, I am more than happy to give it to you. Just an email to say you've read this is all I ask. 

Josh 

*************************** 

Josh hit send before he could change anything. It wasn't the most eloquent message he could have written but if nothing else, he was honest and his words came from deep inside. He took the final cold sip of his tea and shut down the computer, intent on going home to get some rest. He'd bared his soul, now all he could do was wait. 

He tossed the picture of himself, Sam and Donna into his backpack along with a few other small personal items around his office as he wasn't sure when he would be packing up the whole thing. With his backpack on his shoulder and a large lump in his throat he closed the door. He took a quick glance at the cubicle outside his office as he blinked back the tears that were threatening to fall again. 

The night was warm for January in DC so he decided to take a little detour on his way home. 

Fifteen minutes later, with tears once again falling, Josh sat on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. For the third time in 5 minutes, he punched speed dial #1 on his cell phone and promptly hung up before the call went through. As much as he wanted to talk to Donna, to hear her voice, he knew he wasn't ready. The wounds were too fresh, his emotions too close to the surface. He flipped the phone closed and put it back on his belt as he watched the late night visitors coming to bid reverence to the marble likeness of Abraham Lincoln. He thought about all the times he and Donna had ended up there after good days and bad, in the chill of winter and the heat of August in DC, it had been their place. The place where they shared their dreams and fears, wishes and hopes. 

Sitting there by himself, Josh realized he had never felt more alone than he did at that moment. 

THE END 


End file.
